How To Understand Women (aka Get Men In Line Without Murdering Them)

 

Men are simple.

When they say they are hungry, it means they are hungry.

When they say they are sleepy, it means they are sleepy.

Nice blouse means nice boobs.  Nice pants means nice ass.

If they don't have an erection, make them a sandwich.

If that doesn't work, give them a beer, a ball or a stick.

Women however?   Hooboy!

Which is partly the reason for this book.

Men need to take it slow.  They need to understand the fundamentals before they can comprehend the special bond between the tree and the stars.  

We can't just saunter in with our healing crystal shenanigans and our mercury retrograde ass and expect these Xy creatures to understand.  

They will think we're crazy!  

Your book should not be more than 10 pages, otherwise it's not worth reading.

Said my grumpy old friend, Declan.

Joke’s on you, Declan.  I can do it in a 10 item manifesto.  But we know darn well where 10 item manifestos have brought us innit?  

I have a working theory that initially, life came with an instruction manual.  

But man, the designated driver, used it to wipe his ass and decided to wing it.

Fool wouldn't even ask for directions.

To make matters worse, these clueless creatures don't have enough blood 

to power both the brain and a hard-on.  A MAJOR  biological design flaw.

What’s a girl to do?

Of course men mean well.  

It’s adorable how they sincerely want to be useful.

Only that they are stupid wired differently.   (Rowena, behave.)

Men solve problems.  They thrive in competition.  

It is ingrained in their DNA from the moment they’re teeny tiny sperms.

Even deprived of all toys, they will make pissing into a contest.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am no feminist.  I do not want equality.

I fully accept my fate of being the superior gender.

It’s not an easy job but I choose to be gracious about it.

I am not impressed though with how things are run around here.

Modern technology has become our master instead of slave. 

Funneling  all our life energy to the hands of very few.

Shopping has become an addiction rather than a source of empowerment.

Weighing us down in debt and debris of plastic and decaying batteries.

Travel has become a commercialized race in a bubble of comfort

rather than a spontaneous source of wonder.

In our quest to go faster, we aren’t going any further,

In our quest to go bigger, we have become fat and frail,

In our quest for cheap, we end up with a planetary pile of toxic shit.

Our life has become a daily drudgery to pay the bills. 

It cramps our style, men and women alike.  

So think of this book as an intervention coming from a place of love. 

Men and women are not enemies.  

The Xy chromosome has a blind spot, that's all.

And we all would benefit if we could learn to play nice.

(Constant reminder to self, help me gawd)

Book Excerpt.

Rowena Reddragon Sauntering the Silk Road bit.ly/3DsmdD9

My 10 Suggestions

 

Truth

When the words have lost all meaning
When you cant tell right from left
When freedom feels like suffocating
When kindness gives us but torment

When search for better takes you deeper in a bottomless despair
When for peace we need to slaughter a neighbor outside  of our fence

When the truth is made of conflict with exceptions to the rule
When both science and religion favor those that take the reign

Then its time to use a language 
Thats incapable of lies
Go inside yourself in silence 
For only there, the truth resides

Chapter 1: It gets better

You’re on a boat

Along with 20 people, one of them is a baby.
You are floating at sea in darkness, surrounded by enemies looking for you.
If anyone makes a sound, the enemies might hear and will kill you.
If the baby cries, you can all be dead.

Will you kill the baby?


------------------------

I recently had a reunion with my ex-colleagues from a Beauty Industry Giant.

Though most of us have moved on doing our own thing, one of my colleagues, stayed on to become the global company’s head honcho. Mr. Big Shot.

He hubnubbed with influential people and profess to being the deciding factor in our country’s current President’s election.

Curious, I asked what his take was on the President, a known henchman of the poor.

To which, after giving me the boat analogy, concluded …

“He is the father that this country needs.

He will pull the trigger himself and kill the baby to protect the many.”

He asked me If I’d kill the baby.

“Hell no”, I answered.

“Ah, you’re idealistic. You don’t count.”

And he dismissed me and my opinion from then on.

My knee jerk reaction was to say this:

You don’t kill a fucking baby, you monster!

But someone wise inside me said.

Will this reaction solve it? If not, do not waste your energy.

 

And so, I said:

That is a great analogy. May I use it for my book?

To which he graciously responded:

“Sure! And send me an autographed copy.”

So yes, my inner pussy won. 

Because she is right.

It was pointless at that time to get into an argument.  And if I may quote my favorite drunk, Churchill:

You will not reach your destination if you throw stones at every dog that barks.

------------

In life, it is important to ask the right questions.
The question is not whether to kill the baby or die. 

The real question is :

How the hell did we get here?

How can we, “intelligent” “human” “beings” allow the baby, fruit of our loins, our future...

without shelter

floating on a boat

in darkness

surrounded by enemies,

and its own people ready to kill “it”

if it dared to cry. If it dared to breathe. If it dared to whimper.
If it dared to weep at what we have become.

What have we become?

And knowing what we have become, is there a way out?

---------

Somebody wise once said:

“Either you solve it from the root or you leave it the fuck alone.”

But what is the root? 

Who is to blame? 

Where do we start? 

How do we start?

And so this book.

It will give you answers.

And it knows that you, guided with clarity, will follow your heart, and solve it from the root.

...  

That, or the baby dies.

And by the way, plot twist:

You are the baby.

You are the plot twist.

Author's note:  This is the beginning chapter of my book which is tentatively titled:  

Do the math. A traveller's cheatsheet to life or

Life Roadmap. Cheatsheet by Number

Smelly Pussy

Some of you may have had the good fortune of having a best friend.

That one person that picks on your flaws, calls you on your shit, embarrasses you in public, laughs at your drama, documents your misfortunes but that you know, deep, deep down inside loves you for all your shit.

Well, I have the fortune of coming from a town whose peculiarity is that everyone, from the town doctor to the street drunk, a grandmother to a preschooler- act as if they are your best friend.

They will call on your shit and keep you grounded, make a joke of your misfortunes and in their own weird way make you feel that life isn’t that hard if you don’t take everything too seriously. They are the types of assholes that if you can see the lightheartedness of their assholeness actually toughens and tenderizes you up for school and the school of life.

In fact, our town sport could well be :

“let’s see who can come up with the best insult

and whoever gets affected loses”.

And with generations of practice, nobody loses his shit over insults, over a string of words.


Anyway, we have an event that we look forward to in the month of May which could well be the town’s olympic sport. It is called “Flores de Mayo” and here, the most beautiful women gets to wear over the top gowns and a crown and gets paraded all over town to be admired for their beauty. And as you would expect of our town- be called on their flaws.

So, in one of these parades, we stood waiting and unleashing the best insults for every girl that passes. And mind you, we are all in this fun little town exercise together, so the girls can whip back insults of their own- a beautiful camarederie of tough love give and take.

But then came, the last one. The “Reyna Elena” position assigned to the most beautiful one.

She was flawless. And us, speechless.

Everyone searched for a flaw but failed. No one can come up with nothing in what seemed like an eternity of searching and silence. Till an elderly woman from the back broke the silence and said-

She has a smelly pussy.

So I guess, the moral of this story is this:

We all have flaws.  You can punish yourself needlessly and be in denial of it.

Or you can accept it, laugh about it and use it to connect yourself to a wonderfully flawed world.

That is, of course, if you aren’t blindsided by a smelly pussy.

Corona, The Cure

 

Author's note:  I wrote this when Corona quarantine started.  See for yourself if it aged well.

If there is something I learned from the Corona virus, it is that nothing can keep an Australian from wiping his ass.

So yeah, hey… this must be the zombie apocalypse right?

I mean people hoarding ice cream as if saying, fuck you, if i am going to die, i will die with diabetes.

And what about those passengers mauling a contaminated fellow passenger? Animals or heroes?

And that fat Aussie ready to strike a grandma for toilet paper? ok, ok, i get it. you dont wanna die with a dirty ass. keep the toilet paper. 

We are pretty fucking low right now, im not gonna lie.

AND WORSE, ITS SO FUCKING UNFAIR!

The rich can avoid the crowd, the poor is the crowd

The rich can panic buy. The poor, can only panic. No buy.

The rich can go on leave. The poor, no work, no pay.

This is the real social distancing.*

CORONA VIRUS SUCKS.

 

Or does it.  Really?

The virus is the antidote,

the curse is the cure,

the pain is the pill

You see, because of corona virus, you can:

start the diet and exercise you have been meaning to do,

read the books you always wanted to read,

watch all the netflix you want (or porn, you do you)

play all the videogames you want

practice your art

Or maybe you can do some self care- put on a mask, give yourself a mani pedi, fix your hair, put on a nice dress and dance. And well, just love yourself.

You dont need to go to work or to class. You can spend more time with your family. (or sleep in as long as you want for those assholes who have no kids- that me)

Or if you find yourself with nothing, clinging to your life where all of us are headed, be still. 

Silence the mayhem in your mind and anchor yourself to your immoveable center.  Be still.

And  if ever the internet is cut (because nobody knows anymore) why not walk over to that neighbor or the homeless guy you never speak to?

Make sure you have at least one meter distance (because you are not an idiot) and ask him if there is anything that he wants before the world ends.  And just use that as a premise to get to know his story. 

You see, your neighbor also has a story to tell and mouths to feed. (And also there is no fucking internet fuck it)

So, what I am saying here really is:

The only enemy is ignorance and fear.
The only quarantine is in your head.

#staycation

BUT WHAT IF WE DIE?

Of course we can die. We can all die. I am not that naïve, give me a little credit.

We are all afraid to die. But death is a fact.
We will all die no matter how we try to escape it.
If not by corona virus, by diabetes, heart attack, stroke, suicide, cancer, overdose, murder, a botched boob job or just most likely, from our own stupidity.

We will die. Fact.

And fuck knows when. We are all just deadman walking.

But that fear keeps us from living.
The great irony of life.

FOR FEAR OF DEATH, WE FORGOT TO LIVE.

In fear, we have lost: 

• Our right to land. (rent is bullshit. signed, science.)
• Our right to equality. (high society instead of community)
• Our right to good food. (use of land is decided for the greed of the rich)
• Our right to water. (plastic poison, blech.)
• Our right to education. (learning should always be fun)
• Our right to freedom. (because police)
• Our right to love. (because money)

and now,  our right to air.

Corona virus reminds us of our right to breathe.

Give space for air.

After the bottompless pit of greed,

the fire of hatred,

and the lust of water ….

our ONLY remaining freedom is air.

 

Give space to air.

Let your fear give space to love, free of greed, hatred and lust, and let us truly fall in love with life again.

DO NOT FEAR DEATH.

For an ending always leads to a new beginning.

But while we are here in this feeble life of ours, ignorant of our almighty infinity, live with fear but take in the same dose of faith.

FOR LIFE IS A DARE.

It is fear and faith in the same breath. In the same breath.

Balance fear with faith and you will be alright. We will be alright. We will get the joke that is life.

Life is an asshole. But it is our asshole. And we love our asshole.
But also rise up to the challenge and asshole back. All in good fun.

That is life. An asshole from which all the universe came from.

We are all but cosmic fart. Beaming from our own asshole.
And we all smell funny.

So, the real question is-

You have lived all your life in fear.

Will you also die a coward?

PS

So, instead of wasting energy looking at justice and action fom the government and the 1% who have left ship, why not talk to your neighbor, get your community together (just 1 meter apart)  and start

• working together in your community, so that everyone is fed
• pounding on concrete so the land can breathe again
• turning a blind eye from a homeless man taking shelter in the empty appartment next door
• repurposing plastic factories as a place to share our art
• congregating in churches but this time to share the songs that our hearts have suppressed

so if they ever try to arrest you, (which i know they wont because they already left ship), all you have to do is cough.

Cough as if saying fuck you. I am ready to die for this. I am done being afraid.

Use the corona virus to live and set yourself free.

So…..

when the internet is cut and you are faced with the emptiness of your reality, pamper yourself a little and hear your neighbor out. For he too, has a story to tell, a life lived, dreams unfilfilled and a love lost. Like you.

And see yourself in your neighbor. You know what to do next. Community, not high society. Equality, not snobbery.

PS 2
And as the internet is reconnected, after we have buried those who have lost, looking fit from that enforced diet that we really needed. Say good morning to a new beginning. And reembrace your neighbor with renewed appreciation.

“You are an asshole, but you are my asshole. I love you. But also fuck you.”

Mind Your FAQs

Your first question matters.

In my travels, I frequently meet new people.  

And to my disappointment, the most frequent question I am asked, (even before one introduces him/herself) is this-

Where are you from?

And I say to myself- WTF, Rowena.  They’re just curious.  Why make a big deal out of one stupid question.  Why be such a fucking tight arse?

And yet, no matter how chill I am, no matter how I try to convince myself otherwise, I know deep in my heart that if we want to change for the better, we need to ask better questions.  And this first question we ask a stranger is not a good start.

You see, life is richer with connections.  And I mean meaningful connections, not facebook or instagram likes and comments. 

So in this lonely world of meaningless virtual connectedness and search for approval, and this funny universe where what you need is actually staring at you right now in the face, we need a better approach to connecting with each other. 

We need to be free to be ourselves. Without judgement, fear, envy.

We all take this for granted but we have labeled ourselves our own mental prisons. 

We identify with our job title and social status, that when we lose it, we lose our sense of self worth. 

We label our gender and then take personal offense when anyone calls us by another label

We wear our flag as our identity and rate others as colonies or enemies.

We romanticise our age that when we grow old, as one does, we fall into a lying pile of surgically enhanced shambles

And these labels limit our freedom to just be, a part of one interdependent human race.  We become a divided us vs them – separated by race, age, gender, status, defined by ego rather than self, struggling to justify ourselves.

So, instead of a first question that seeks to separate.  Why not ask a question that seeks to unite.  I have a lot to suggest but start with this first one:

What brings you here?

Because that question seeks to understand a person’s intention. 

And if you dig deep (and please do), even the most seemingly heinous act, you will find that the answer to this question is always love.  It is sometimes a desperate, even twisted act for love in the most desperate of situations – but it is LOVE.  And this love binds us to find ourselves in this very space at this very moment.

So the next time you meet a stranger, please mind your question. 

Do not  divide by asking “Where are you from?”.  Ask instead” What brings you here?” and be united by love rather than divided by fear, anger, superiority or jealousy.

Ask what brings you here and take it from there.   

And let us be united in love.

——-

NB

I have a set of questions that I ask to connect and I post and answer them here.  Read them, answer them and use them in your personal encounters.

What message would you give your 5 year old self.

What is it you wish others do not have to lie about?

What is it you wish that you do not have to lie about?

Of all the senses (hearing, seeing, feeling, smelling, tasting) – which sense do you use/like the most?

Have you ever pity fucked someone? What was your reason?

If you need to sleep with someone from the same and opposite sex to save humanity.  Who would they be?

If you had to give up all vices and just be left with one, what would it be?/ What is your poison of choice?

What would you like to be doing when the world ends?

If you were to give a speech about what you learned in your life, what song would be playing as you walk towards the podium?

If your life were played into a movie, who would play your character?

Do you have other questions that connect?  Share them here and let us answer them together and be connected in love. 

And see?

Life is a hell lot of fun if you ask the right questions.

 

Know Your Limits

I have two sides to myself.

One is the stoner life of the party and one is the designated sober driver.

I used to think that leading a “correct” life means leading the boring ascetic life of the designated driver. Of leaving all the ways of the world, losing one’s excesses, wearing hemp and singing kumbaya and telling people “don’t do drugs”.

I think this artificial sainthood void of authentic laughter with hallow repetitions of 108 “Oms” and 25 “Hail Mary”s  (done both) is no better than unfettered hedonism or military discipline.

And that life of the party, like ego, the insecure self important drama queen, the catty and confused indecisive bitch, inspite of its many faults – can never be accused of being boring. And no matter how we try, the ego is here to stay.

So, instead of being a self righteous goody two shoes, I make friends with my inner bad girl. I acknowledge that it is there and yes, i have great fun with the troubles it gets me into sometimes oftentimes.

But like a wiser and older drunk, I now acknowledge my limit.

If I go beyond 2 puffs of spliff, I aint leaving the house to party.

And 3 times beyond the coughing limit, i will go transcendental.

So yes, I will not ask us ladies to deny ourselves of sic clothes, foodfests or your drug of choice.

But, for the love of drugs,  let us know our limits.

Because at the rate that we have gone, that party ho has put all the kids on a school bus,  set it on fire and is driving it off the cliff. It is time to heed our inner designated sober driver, sit Ms Stoner Partypants down and tell her- 

“bitch- you gotta know your limit”

And this blog will discuss our limit on how we can have fun without setting the bus on fire.

Let’s do this.

 

How To Heal A Government

You cannot fight a government designed for inequality.

But you can create a new one that makes it obsolete.

One by the people, for the people, respecting our nature and rights to land, food, water, air. Where no one is above the law. And everyone leads by example.

Recognise that the government’s power is also its weakness. A divided people united by a common delusion.

Start with what you can control.

Lose the labels that separate you from the other. Be it religion, class or political position.

See people's realities without the label of judgement and expand your perspective of reality to include theirs. This makes you wiser, stronger.

Recognise the grief behind one’s anger. For pain needs to be acknowledged before it can go away.

Know that whoever you give power to judge you, you give power to control your life. So neither judge nor compare, everyone has their cross to bear.

Be neither anti or pro, the good guy or the bad guy. Discuss the pros and the cons but do not make it your identity. It is a trap to a divisive war on semantics. A rigged war of gladiators where only the emperor wins.

If in doubt, get inspiration from nature. It does not judge what is wrong or right. Like a lotus with roots in the mud while facing the sun. It gives and receives without ambition nor profit.

Give light to your delusion and recognise the real from the imagined.

The currency that powers a government is a printed piece of paper whose only value is in your mind. Disable the old government by seeing this for what it is, a piece of paper. No more real than monopoly money.

Deal only with what is real. Value the people and the fruits of the land and sea.

Shift from profiting to sharing. And when you receive, give thanks and pay it forward. Nature is a cycle of gratitude, there is no need for greed.

Realize that we do not own the land. The land owns us. Commit only to land that you can personally take care of and enrich it for your children and your children’s children. Plant a tree that will give them shade.

Free the rest to those who can take care of it better. For their own family, garden or vegetation.

Be your neighbor's keeper. They have as much right to the bounties of the earth as you do. Defend their right if need be for your children. For if they fall, you fall.

Leave the forests be.

Divide the fruits of the land amongst its townpeople. Share any excess with the neighboring towns.

Work not for money but in freeing the land, making it breathe so it can bear fruit again. So it can feed the community again.

Free and clean the rivers so it can be drinkable again.

Rise with the sun and rest when it sets. When it rains, stay home while the clouds water the earth. Learn to work with the power of nature again.

Be a part of community that raises every child. Take roles in feeding, educating, and building her shelter. Give the child your time learning through play.

Have a community pool of clothes, gadgets, furniture that you hand down once you have outgrown them.

Practice your art and share it freely so it can remind people how simple it is to find joy in this life.

Embrace simplicity. Be reconnected with the earth. Spend time with whom you love. Lead by example. Do what you love.

Give thanks to the earth under your feet, the wind in your hair, the sun in your face, the clothes on your back.

Live light. Travel slow. Share.

Dance.

Breathe in hope, breathe out gratitude.

For as long as you are breathing.

And leave those who are not ready to embrace the new normal alone, give them time to awaken, to battle with their imagined demons. The man who throws stones at every dog that barks will not reach his destination.

And when they are ready, welcome them to the new world that you created with grace.

The new normal is not up to the old government.

The new normal is up to you.

You hold the power.

And its easier than you think.

It is in your instinct. Heed it.

Fear and faith, in the same breath.

We do not prepare a child for society.  We prepare society for the child.

How To Dump Consumerism Like An Old Boyfriend

Hello bishes!  

I was invited to talk in the Global Zeitgeist Day 2018 in Frankfurt Germany last 7 April 2018.

This was a big deal to me.  Years before, I regularly spoke to female audiences of thousands to get them to buy more.  This time, I am speaking to about 200 forward thinking people on buying less.

Real change can only happen from the ground up: from us, the individual to our neighborhood and to the whole world.  And us women, hold the future in our hands.

It starts by knowing the real impact of our decision and making a conscious effort to make better choices, making those choices stick that they become habits and then on to uniting with others so we can effect change on the local level.

I tried to make the serious subject as amusing as possible relating the process to things we are familiar and passionate about sprinkling it with some tidbits on myself and my mini-theories on light subjects as:

- How many ex-boyfriends can you claim to your current boyfriend before they go mental?
- Who is better at moving on? Men or women?

- How many shades of lipstick do you really need?

- How many outfits do you really need?

Here goes:

Though the take on it is fun, I would like to credit sources/references of the subjects i covered:

Consumption/De-consumption:
Yankelovich Monitor & Greenfield Online
Readings on Serge Latouche  

Behavioural Study & Manipulation Techniques
Emotions Revealed by Paul Ekman
The Crowd: Study of the popular mind by Gustave le Bon
Thinking Fast & Slow, Daniel Kahnemann
On Death & Dying, Kübler-Ross 

Robert Sapolsky lectures on human behavioural biology: https://youtu.be/NNnIGh9g6fA 

Science of Bottom up Revolution. Why everyone matters:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPh3c8Sa37M Ted Talk by Tom Chi 

Whatever gender, age, race, religion you are.  It is my honour to invite you to join girlsquad.

Learn more about girlsquad here.

Thank you and see you on the bright side of beauty!

When is It Ok To Lie To Kids? (The Secret Primer On How To Be Ballsy)

I am a six-time aunt and a zero-time mother. So unlike moms who have their excuses cut out for them like…

“because as your mother, it is my duty to protect you from the evils of this world for as long as I can” 

or 

“because I carried you in my body for 9 months and If I told you so, it is so” 

or 

“because I am too busy trying to earn a living to answer your questions”

… alas, as a mere aunt, I have no justified excuse to lie my way out of difficult questions.




…

A few years ago, I had the wonderful opportunity to prepare and see my 5 year old niece Arwen to school every morning.

 

I am not a big fan of mindless TV, so I forbade her to turn the TV on while we were going through our business of preparing. (At 5, Arwen is also forbidden to have her own FB account)

In exchange, I promised to answer all her questions truthfully. A “Q&A hour with Auntie Rowena” if you must.

Here, she gives me rules on how to tie her hair.

So she threw me some difficult ones and one question led to more questions. Some delved into science, religion, biases, sex, politics - all excellent subjects for lying.

So did I cave in and lie?  Naah, I stuck to my guns however difficult it was. (Well, maybe, except for one question- but read on and you be the judge).  

Ok Arwen, shoot me!  

10. Will I grow taller than my parents?

(explain the human genome to a 5 year old, I dare 'ya!)

Here I enclose a picture of Arwen’s family so you can appreciate the gravity of her concern. 

A simple 'yes' or 'no' question, you say?  

Adults are easy, we pretend to understand to avoid looking stupid. But with 5 year olds- there will be barrage of follow up “whys” until she REALLY gets it.

You are like a puzzle. Some parts came from your mother and some from your father.

The part of the puzzle that decides how tall you will be, adds the height pieces from your father and the height pieces from your mother. So, if you get all the height pieces of your father and mother, you will be taller than your parents.

That is why most children grow up to be taller than their parents. 

(And I continue on.  Because, note to self *Don't only give her education, but inspire her to wonder.*)

People who study the human puzzle call it human genome. Unlike most puzzles that is a flat paper, the human puzzle is long like a string. There is one string that comes from your father, and one string that comes from your mother and they are twisted together to make you.

They found that your genome is 99.96% the same with all the people in the world. 
The very small difference between us helps us survive diseases.  So when a virus kills some people, others survive. Our differences help humans survive sicknesses and continue living.

So when you see someone different from you.  Think more of what makes you similar than different .  And that your differences help both of you survive.  

What about you? 

When did you stop questioning so as not to appear stupid? 

When did you let that little girl who wouldn’t stop asking till she gets the answers be silenced?

Speaking of genome, may I recommend this excellent video documentary-

*The Search for Scientific Adam that will help you realize how alike we are as humans.

9. Why does Mickey Mouse like hotdogs when mice are supposed to like cheese?

To give you a perspective of this question, here is a video of little Arwen dancing to Mickey Mouse “HotDog Dance”.

Mickey Mouse is a mouse drawing by a man called Walt Disney. Showing Mickey moving like that on TV needs lots of drawings and Disney needs money to pay people to do that. 

The man who makes hotdogs gave Disney money if Disney will help him sell hotdogs. So even if mice are supposed to eat cheese, Disney made Mickey eat hotdogs. So if you keep seeing Mickey eating hotdogs, you will also eat hotdogs. 

If you see a lie over and over again, there will come a time that you just accept it without asking or thinking. It is called brainwashing.

Sting knows a thing or two about making a hit song

So, if you spot a lie, even if it is a small lie, ask yourself, why is the person lying? What does he want from me? Will it be good for him and bad for me? 

You should always find out more when someone is lying, so you can decide what is really good for you.

Me: So Arwen, do you want hotdog for breakfast?
Arwen : Is hotdog good for me?
Me: No, because … (I explained the food that makes her grow taller and what hotdogs are made of)
Arwen: No. I want food that will make me grow taller.

8. How did the world start?

You will hear two different versions: one from science and one from religion. I will tell you both.

FROM SCIENCE:
Scientists looked for clues. They tested materials on the earth and found that it came from stars that exploded a long long time ago. They call this “The Big Bang Theory”.

They call it a “Theory” because it is still an incomplete explanation from all the things they tested. Scientists continue asking and testing so that they can find out more. Scientists always challenge what we know because they want to know the truth, even if it is not what they thought it to be.

FROM RELIGION:
Religion says that the world and the whole universe is created by a most powerful, most intelligent and most perfect God* (*Catholic religion calls it God but there are other religions who call it other names).

Unlike science, religion knew this from people who said they have been chosen by God to tell us about it.  These chosen people also said that God said you should believe them and not question or ask for proof, otherwise, God will be angry and punish you.

Arwen : Which one is true?

Science is sure of what they know but they still cannot explain a lot of things.  Religion has an explanation to everything but what they knew came only from chosen people who do not want to be questioned. 

Arwen: What do you think?

I want to believe that science and religion both mean good -  but try to find the answer in different ways.  

I think that a real scientist should discover but recognize that they do not have an explanation for everything yet and respect "non-scientifics" because we still know very little about it, not because it is untrue.  

When Einstein, the poster boy of science was asked if he prays,
his answer was that "God does not play dice with the universe". 
Let's meme that shit. 

I think that a real religious should respect others to find their own good and do their own questioning.  I think that we all can find the truth, not just the 'chosen ones', if we learn to listen and try to understand.   When faith is not questioned, it can be abused by the "chosen ones" and gives "God" a bad rep.  

Carol had.  But she ain't snitching.
Like a good Christian that she is.

When you find out more about the world, you will find that it is very, very smart - much smarter than we can understand right now. Even if I or other people have answers, you should always ask yourself and everyone should respect your right to ask.    

Faith gets stronger when tested, not when taken for granted.* 

(*tweet that shit)

Learn all versions. That is the difference between education and indoctrination.  Never stop questioning what you know.

7. Is my father really adopted?

Arwen’s father, my brother, is adopted when he was just 3 days old. It is a fact that we never hid from anyone so much so that neighbors thought we were lying. But I believe, I should rephrase the question here as asked by my brother, when he himself was 5 years old.

Why do people ask me if  I am “just” adopted? Why “just”?

People project to words what they have in their hearts.
When a person has love, an adopted child is a gift.  When a person has fear, an adopted child is a threat.  

When a person is ashamed, he will hide with a lie.  When he is threatened, he will fight and belittle.  When he is proud, he will shout it out to the world.
So when a person does not value the gift of an adopted child, that person does not speak from love but from ignorance.

So,  trust yourself and learn to listen only to people who have love.  

Tony Robin-esque inspirationally cheesy, but true.

6. Why is she lying to her father?

"She" is my nephew's girlfriend and has a different religion.  She is lying to her father because she does not want to be disowned .  I am not saying her name here because it is up to her to own up to her truth.  Me and Arwen love her.   

Arwen, it is the same way when you lie because you think you are going to be punished for something which you think you have done wrong.  Sometimes, old people make up rules that they want others to follow.  

I think that is very sad because love should not be something to lie about.  And if one's rules causes someone who loves to lie, maybe one should question those rules.

Before you do something,  always ask yourself one  question - "Is my motive positive or negative?"  Revenge,  showing-off, dividing people and making them fight are not good motives. Love, uniting people and learning are good motives.

When education interferes with learning.

So long as you act on good motives, even if you do not succeed, you know you are doing good and you do not have to lie about it.

And if someone or something will not accept your good motive and will cause you to lie, then you know you are in the right to stand up against it and question them.

Hold your truth.
No person, religion or institution should cause a person with good motives to lie.  Ever.

Who are we to say that we are better at crocheting than Radical Islam Terrorists? 

5. Is Santa Claus real?  (aka Will I be the one to "ruin" her Christmas by snitching?)  

Arwen, what do you know about Santa?

1. He gave me a gift on Christmas because I was good. 
2. He entered through the window while I was sleeping.
3. He is an old fat man with white beard that wears a red suit. 

Let us investigate this together. 

1. This is true.
2. We don't know this because you were sleeping.  Your windows are high (second floor) and small, so no one bigger than a child can enter through there and no child can climb that high.  It is more possible that Santa entered through the door.   Maybe somebody let him in or maybe he was already inside when you locked the door before sleeping.
3.  If you have not seen him yourself, we cannot be sure of this.  In Europe, where I am from, "Santa" is called "Saint Nicholas" and is thin and wears a long gown (different colors), but I also have not seen him. 

Arwen, all we know for sure about Santa is that he brings you gifts because you were good.   So he is someone who wants you to be a good girl.  That is one important clue. Concentrate on that.

But the rest, we have no proof.  Maybe Santa is an avatar,  you know, just like when you use an avatar when you play games online.  Or maybe not, we do not know for sure because we have not seen him when he left your gift.

Arwen:  So is he real? 

That is a mystery for you to solve (she can google at 5).  And solving mysteries yourself make you smarter.   Oh, look at the time! Time to go to school now. (Phew!)

 Weeks later, Arwen's mom, told me that Arwen got her to admit that she is Santa.
Arwen was really cool about it.   But Arwen's mom was pretty shaken - lolz

So my suggestion-
Santa is an avatar of someone who secretly wants you to be a good person.
The tooth fairy is an avatar of someone who secretly wants you to be brave after enduring pain.
The rest of the story is just noise.  And damn commercialism for blurring the message.

PS Never underestimate your 5 year old.  They are much smarter than you think.  And they can google the arse out of your lies.

4. What is anal sex?

Oh my oh my, I squirmed on this one.  How can I avoid without lying? Where did she hear this anyway?

Arwen, do you know how you feel when you see blood?
Arwen:  Yes, it makes my toes curl.  I hate it!
Well, ok, I can tell you but it might make your toes curl, do you still want to know?
Arwen:  Hmm, I guess not.

Weeks later, a variation of the same question...

Arwen, I prefer to answer that when you are older, like 60 years old.  Is it ok?
Arwen:  But that is a long time from now.  I will forget.
I can remind you.

In my defense, sex was a taboo subject in our household.  

By the age of 8, a neighbor tried to seduce me. Fortunately, my parents arrived in time, saw the neighbor alone with me in my room and started questioning me what happened.  

I felt something wasn't right but they didn't explain to me why.   So it got ingrained in my head that being alone with men is bad.  Heck, by the age of 16, I thought I could get pregnant by watching a movie with a boy. No shit.  

My apologies to my first boyfriend for being a crazy bitch.

Anyway, I think I could have done better here.  I think Arwen needs to learn it from parents/aunts because even if we want her to stay innocent, we cannot protect her from predators like *Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby,  Terry Richardson etcetera that way.   We need a different strategy.   If we learn to talk about it to our daughters, and to each other,  then we all can be better armed when faced with a predator.

So, I call on you dear readers for your wisdom and suggestions on how to handle this one.   You can criticize but let's be nice to our fellow sisters, shall we?  We all go through a lot of shit already.

3. Are kings good people? 

Arwen, I think it is too simplistic to judge people as either good or bad.  

People do things and react to what happens to them.  If they are angry or afraid, they tend to say and do "bad" things.  If they are happy, they do good things. 

I think it bad to give up on people.  But if they keep doing bad things to you, it is just better to avoid them rather than they affect you and you do bad things yourself because of what they did to you.

(So with that disclaimer,) kings got to be kings because they claimed land as theirs and declared they were chosen to do so.  The way they got to be kings was through a bad thought and a bad deed.

Because working yourself to greatness is sexier than being born to those who stole greatness y'all!

2.   Can I be a princess?

No you cannot.  Princesses get to be that way because they are either daughters of kings or marry a prince.  But you cannot marry a prince if you are not a princess.

I thought this was a simple question.  But for the first time....   Arwen cried.  

Arwen:  But I want to be a princess.  *More sobs*

But why do you want to be a princess Arwen?  All a princess does is think of parties and clothes and prince charmings.   You can do more than that, you will be bored.

But she kept crying.  She doesn't hear me.  And for the first time,  I felt bad for telling her the truth.  I broke her heart.  I shattered her dream.  Maybe telling the truth was a bad idea...  

Until....

Angelina Jolie, I want to thank you for making Maleficent.  I know, I know, haters will say, she isn't real either - but she is more real in that she gave fairy tale characters more dimension.  It is not just princesses are good, witches are bad narrative.  It is one step to progress.

Arwen and I watched Maleficent.  Twice.  Then she got to see "School of Rock" and wanted to be a drummer.  And a cook, and a manicurist, and a cashier, and a singer, and a scientist and on and on.  

So, with that admission, Arwen has gone from fairytale princess to badass.
In your face princess!

1. Do I sing well?

Hmm, how well does a 5 year old sing?  

She is no Taylor Swift but....

To me, she sings great!  But I will not put her in The Voice because they cannot see how cute she is.  And we all know how mothers and aunts think their child/niece is the bestest in the world so I will not bore you.

But I still tell her she is great!  All of us family think she is a great singer.  She basks in the sunlight of our total love and admiration.

And that is when her dad, my brother, stepped in.  With wise words from a dad that not even a bitch of an aunt can muster.

Don't praise her more than necessary.  If she starts believing  she is better than she actually is, she and the world will have a bigger problem.  And if she is determined to sing better, she will keep practicing to prove us wrong.
Then both ways, she wins.

Here is a video of Arwen singing. 

So, my recommendation- When is it ok to lie to kids? 

Never.

Growth only comes when you know and face the truth, not when you deny it.

The truth will make her stronger. Protecting them from it does not help.

So let us please skip the "You are the most beautiful princess in the whole world" bullshit, shall we?

And as Arwen will prove to you - they will be ok.

Arwen gets the medal for best in class.  Yey! #proudaunt

Arwen teaches her grandma how to hashtag #seniormoments

BONUS:  So how to test if you are ballsy:

If your truths cannot stand the cross examination of a 5 year old, that she can reduce you to a lying, deflecting adult, start questioning the 'truths' you have accepted.  It is possible that you might be full of shit.

At the end of the day, there are no "necessary evils",  no "white lies" - just people not ballsy enough to stand up for what they feel deep in their hearts to be right.

PS

There is mom's day, dad's day, sibling, sister, cat, dog, armpit and grandparents day.
Can we please have an aunt day?

But don't let it be a day where we buy our aunts something (I am so over consumerism right now).  Just a day when we get back to our 5 year old self and truly question.  

 Like a  #questionlikefive #askauntie What do you say?  May i suggest these questions to start with?

Why are teachers paid so little and politicians paid so much?
Who decides whose time is more valuable?
Who gives money its value? 

If tech is so advanced now, why not cut off the money and the middleman altogether and technify barter to give power to the producer and the consumer, base prices on its true cost to the planet?  Do we lack the technology,  or the imagination? Or are we just too deep into our bullshit now? (Ok, that is me asking)

If we take out the bullshit we have accepted in our lives, and learn to recognize our similarities rather than our differences, you will find that we have the power to shut down all these seemingly insurmountable evils happening now.

Unite as humans and question like you are 5.
Then the world is ours to change for the better.  Shall we start?

#asklikefive and Be Ballsy!